Sometimes I don’t even know myself, but then I realize at midnight why
When I am outside with my “friends”, I always am alone. I sit there and nobody talks to me, I listen to music, put my fake smile on and pretend like I have a beautiful life. I get tears in my eyes, I just want to go home, I’m tired, I want to sleep, I want to be alone.
My mind says: Nobody likes you. Go draw something, like you always do. Nobody will ever need you.
You are a bad daughter, you’re bad at everything, kill yourself.
I look in the mirror and all I see is a dead, fat, ugly, useless girl that is suicidal.
I don’t know what I am here for. I try to make a selfie, but I can’t, I’m to ugly.
I try to help somebody, but I can’t I fail at it.
And everyday my mum wants me to go out, she screams at me and tells me that I’m fat, that I’m not getting any job, that I will have a bad future and I am going to be alone in life, because nobody wants me like this.
But mum, I already have a bad life. Alone in life? I am already alone in life. Go out? I don’t have friends. Nobody wants me? I have nobody
I’m suicidal for more than for 2 years now. I think I need to get away in a while, I can’t fight anymore, my hands are shaking, my heart hurts and my smile almost doesn’t work. I’m sorry, I just want to be in heaven, I’m not afraid of death and nobody would care
It’s 3 AM and it’s always the same, it’s like the time where you start thinking about your life and your brain tells you how fucked up it is
You start to cry, you don’t have anybody to hold you and it’s just fucking hard to be quiet so your parents don’t hear you.
Every day faking your smile in front of everybody, I have such a headache and my pillow is full of tears, I’m just so fucking done, I just want to throw myself in front of a train and finally have peace
I can’t see these ugly faces anymore and I can’t either see myself, that fat, suicidal, ugly girl, what am I here for?
I’m sorry mum and dad, if you find me once laying dead on my bed and i didn’t say anything. I’m just tired
and I’m gone
don’t cry, don’t grieve
don’t write paragraphs about
how much you loved me
when I was alone in my
darkest hours, you weren’t
the one that would stay up
at night to make sure I was alright,
don’t say I was a wonderful girl
and wonder how people could
be so cruel,
because on some ways,
you were the reason I might’ve
took my own life that night"